Dealing with Difficult Negotiators

Dealing with Difficult Negotiators
byJohn Patrick Dolan

Screaming, yelling, ranting, raving, cursing, throwingitems across the table, hanging up the phone ... many of us have difficulty withnegotiators who do these things. These outrageous behaviors can shake us up,intimidate, scare, or upset us.

Why? The most common explanation is that it triggers thefight-flight response. Fighting rarely gets two parties moving toward ameaningful agreement. Fright can cause someone to make compromises or giveconcessions he would otherwise never entertain.

Why do some negotiators rely on outrageous behavior to gettheir way? Because they can ... or because they have in the past.

Some negotiators act as if they are emotionally upset whenthey really are not. Usually, this negotiator is a sophisticated, high-levelmanipulator looking for an advantage. Other negotiators are stuck in a tantrumbehavior pattern. As children, they threw tantrums and got what they wanted. Asadults, they act like big babies who must have what they want!

The question is how to deal with difficult negotiators.Whether the outrageous behavior is fake or real, it can be addressed withoutmaking serious compromises.

Silence is the first tool. Dont engage a screamer. Lettingthe screamer go uninterrupted works many times. Some negotiators simply want tobe heard. Some negotiators become quite compliant after they have vented. Infact, sometimes the boomerang effect sets in, and after venting the screameraccepts whatever is offered, and may even give more than expected.

It is important also to avoid taunts. It is common to fallinto taunting behavior as a defenseAre you finished? ... Yell alittle louder! These responses do not help. Avoid using taunts and remainsecure in the knowledge that the objective of a negotiated agreement is primary.

Another option is to mirror the behavior. While thissuggestion can sound contradictory, shouting back can sometimes be the answer.This technique has limited utility but is best used as an out-of-characterresponse. People who almost never yell can use mirroring effectively on reallyimportant issues.

Another move is to use the Feel, Felt, Found response.This technique works well with outrageous behavior because, at its core, itseems to validate the unaccepted behavior but then provides enlightenment. Feel... I understand how you feel. This is the validation or commiserationphase. Felt ... Many people in your position would have felt the same way.This is the generalization phase. The irate counterpart is in league with manyother (ill-informed) people. Found.

But understanding ... (Point A, B, C) ... most people havefound this position is quite reasonable. A, B and C are the features,benefits and additional appeals that support our position.

Finally, consider using positive outrageous behavior. Givethem a reason to laugh. Goofy behavior, funny statements and strange responsesthat cause laughter can many times disarm the worst tantrum behavior pattern.

John Patrick Dolan, the author of NegotiateLike the Pros, mastered his negotiation skills throughhis successful career as a trial lawyer.

Through his firm LawTalk, Dolan trains other legalprofessionals on how to excel in this crucial skill and art. Information isavailable online at www.negotiatelikethepros.com.